Here I am almost 3 years later on 2/19/2017 and now living on Maui. This was my last blog post and I am thinking of restarting my blog as making choices is a timeless art and I still have much to say on the subject.
I have made so many choices since this last post. Some have led to great happiness, others have led to great heartache. Many have been inconsequential, yet I know that even those can add up to big change over time.
When I wrote this blog I had finally come to a place of acceptance about not being a mother of a child that is mine through biology or adoption. Almost 3 years later I can say that this great need continues to take form in other ways, and I remain at peace and still find great happiness with the ways that I carry and express that maternal energy and instinct.
As I choose to give new life to my blog, I am sharing this post once more before I write my next new post. I share this in honor of my late mother, Rafaila Rachel Martinez, who left this world on 2/27/99. She had a great maternal drive that she channeled into each of the children she chose to adopt or foster with my dad. I was lucky enough to have been one of them and I am grateful each and every day. Her spirit is with me always.
I leave you with one question: What needs do you want to satisfy in 2017?
As long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted children. I distinctly remember a moment when I was at my brother and sister-in-law’s babysitting my three nephews, and thinking to myself, “When I grow up I want six or seven kids.” I think I was about 15 years-old! That maternal instinct never left me and throughout my young adulthood I knew that one day, when the timing was right, I’d become a mother. Well, it’s exactly 35 years later and I’m still waiting to become that mother. Or am I?
People close to me know the struggles I’ve gone through on my road to motherhood…A divorce from the man I thought would be the father of my children, the unsuccessful pursuit of single motherhood, a second marriage to the love of my life and the only man I can imagine parenting with, followed by issues with infertility (that dreaded word women of any age hate to hear) and now the pursuit of motherhood through adoption.
What does one do when there is a great need that cannot be met in the way it was envisioned? What choices can we make to satisfy this great need? The great Sufi poet Hafiz sums it up perfectly to me in his poem, A Great Need
Out of a great need
We are all holding hands
Not loving is a letting go.
Listen, the terrain around here
Is far too dangerous for that.
When a desire, dream, goal or need cannot be met in the way we originally envisioned it, we have two choices as I see it. We can shut down and let go of that desire/dream/goal/need or we can choose to meet that need in other ways, perhaps ways that we never imagined or thought possible. Both ways often require a grieving or mourning process. One way may be seen as a shutting down and letting go and the other, a transformation of the original dream or need, which is a letting go of the original form. One is not better than the other, just different.
I am holding on and choosing to let the love and desire/dream/goal/need to have children infuse my life with opportunities to feed and fuel my maternal desires. I nurture and support children daily and surround myself with their presence. I bask in the joy of nieces, nephews, great nieces and nephews and children of friends and other family. I refuse to let go of my dream, to fade it or shrink it. Nor do I let the absence of being a mother to my own children drag me into a constant state of grief, want or feeling of lack.
Yes, I get teary eyed sometimes when a friend shows me a video of their baby doing something adorable or somedays for no apparent reason, I feel a deep ache and have no words to explain it. Yet I keep fueling the flames of my dream of motherhood. I continue to open my heart and I choose to hold on. How amazing life would be if we all chose to hold onto those dreams that seem impossible, and yet are achievable if we let go of the original form and seek other ways of fulfilling that great dream or need.
Are there dreams,desires, goals or needs that you thought were impossible and were ready to let go of but didn’t and have now manifested in other ways? Ways that you once thought weren’t even possible or had ever imagined? I invite you to get creative and think of other avenues of pursuing your dreams and desires before you choose to let them go.
Hang on a while longer, follow that desire or dream’s feeling of longing and see what else it may lead you to…A different sport that won’t wear out your knees and yet still fuels your dream and desire for athletic competition and camaraderie. A new spiritual community that satisfies your deeper desire to connect with yourself and your life’s calling. Developing a community of children that I connect with on a regular basis to feed my maternal instincts and the desire to have children of my own…We can all hang on and hold the hands that lead us to our greatest needs being fulfilled.
Please comment on this post below and let me know how you’ve fueled the fires of your dreams and desires when you thought the flame had gone out. Let’s dwell in the possible together. If you’ve enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it with others.
Until next time, aloha!